Discovering My Identity
by simpLEEreading
Summary: When Kendall finds his girlfriend Jo cheating on him, Logan has to break up the fight that ensues. Logan ends up confessing that he's in love with him, which leads to the end of their friendship. But when Logan starts dating James Diamond, Kendall can't help but feel jealous, even though he's back together with Jo. He ends up making a deal with Logan that changes his life forever.
1. Chapter 1 : Words are spoken

**Discovering My Identity**

**Chapter 1 : Words are spoken**

_**A/N : This is another story I am working on. It deals with sexual discovery/bisexuality. I wanted to write a story that really goes in depth with someone who is figuring out that they are bisexual. I feel like a lot of people think bisexuality is a phase. Either they think it's a gay person who's afraid to come completely out of the closet, or they are sluts who just want to bang anything because they want to play the whole field. This story is slightly inspired by the John Paul and Craig storyline in Hollyoaks. There are major differences though. If you haven't watched it I highly recommend watching it. I haven't watched it since 2009 so I'm actually gonna watch it again. If you want to watch it on youtube. (The username is kimbaforever)**_

_**Disclaimer : I don't own Big Time Rush or any other recognizable copyrighted things. If I did own Big Time Rush, I would be able to finally meet them IRL. I also don't own some of the dialogue. Some of the dialogue will closely resemble the dialogue on some of the episodes of Hollyoaks.**_

* * *

It's a lovely Friday morning at McKinley High School. All the students are excited because the weekend is just around the corner. Especially when Kendall Knight, the most popular guy in school, plans on throwing a killer party tonight. He's the guy that all girls want to be with, and guys want to be. He's also dating Jo Taylor; the most popular girl in school. They are like the school power couple, and are also called the "perfect couple". They have been dating since Freshman year and haven't broken up once. The only person that probably knows Kendall more than Jo, is his best friend Logan Mitchell.

Kendall and Logan have been best friends since Pre-K. No matter what happened, they always stuck by each others side. Even when Kendall became popular he never left Logan behind. Sure people always wondered why Kendall would associate himself with the nerdy brunet. But for Kendall, he could never end his friendship with Logan. Logan had been there for him during his worst year ever. When he got beat up by his father, when his parents got divorced, when his father almost got full physical custody of his sister Katie. That year was tough on him, but Logan helped him the whole time. He would come over to his house and hug him, and let him cry on his shoulder. To be honest, Logan was the only person to ever see him cry. Not even his parents did. He thought it showed weakness and he didn't want other people to view him as weak.

Kendall had this feeling that something was wrong with Logan. For the past week Logan has been acting weird. He would talk less than usual. He would constantly be busy, which meant that they couldn't hang out as much as they usually did. He didn't even want to go to the party tonight. Something was bothering Logan, and Kendall was determined to figure it out.

It's lunchtime when Kendall could finally talk to Logan. Since Logan was really smart, they didn't share any classes together. When he enters the cafeteria, he sees the brunet sitting at their usual table. He goes straight to the table so he can talk to Logan. When he sits down, he notices that Logan is not all there. He's just pushing the food around on his plate.

"Logan, earth to Logan. What are you doing?" Kendall asked.

"Oh. Sorry Kendall. I was just thinking about something." Logan said quietly. Kendall could sense that Logan didn't feel like talking, but he was his best friend. They should tell each other everything.

"Well to help take your mind off of it, you should come to my house tonight? I'm having a party. My mom and sister won't be home. Come on Logie, live a little. I can tell something is bugging you. Just come tonight and forget about it. Let your mind be stress free for one night." Kendall was trying to convince Logan to go. He needed him there tonight. He hasn't told anyone else this, but he has some suspicions that Jo is cheating on him. If that is the truth, he's gonna need a shoulder to cry on. He's gonna need Logan tonight.

"I'm not sure Kendall. You know I don't like going to parties. I'm very socially awkward, and the only person I could talk to is you. I know that you'll want to hang out with Jo all night, so it's best if I just stay home tonight."

"Please come Logie. I promise I'll hang out with you. I won't be with Jo all night. I'll make sure of it. It's our senior year, so have some fun… okay."

"Fine, but you better hang out with me, or else I'll leave. I guess it will help me clear my mind." Kendall was ecstatic when he heard Logan's answer. He actually agreed to come to the party. He was sort of shocked that Logan agreed, but he wasn't gonna argue about it. Logan and Kendall just chatted for the rest of lunch. Jo had a different lunch, so lunchtime was always just Kendall and Logan.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Kendall and Logan decided to head to Kendall's house right after school so they can get the party set up. All that needed to be done was to party proof the house. That's the thing most people forget to do when they throw a party. Once they were done party proofing the house, they decided to get ready. Logan was too lazy to go home to change, so Kendall lent him some of his old clothes that were too small for him. After they finished getting ready, it was nearly time for the party to start.

The party was in full swing and everyone was having a good time. There was tons of snacks, beverages, mingling and dancing. Kendall stood true to his word and spent most of his time with Logan. They were having so much fun, until the thing the blond feared most had happened. There on the other side of the room, he saw Jo kissing Jett Stetson. At that moment, all he sees is red. He's boiling with anger and starts marching himself over there, then pulls Jett off of Jo. Kendall is about to throw a punch, but Logan pulled Kendall away from the fight that was gonna occur, and one of Jett's friends did the same to Jett.

"It's not my fault you can't keep your girlfriend happy" Jett yelled at Kendall. Kendall was furious at both Jett and Jo right now, but mostly towards Jo.

"How could you do this to me?" Kendall angrily asked Jo. He was a good boyfriend, and he honestly didn't know what he did wrong. He didn't know why Jo would cheat on him. Especially in his own house, where he would obviously find out about it eventually. Jo just stood there quietly.

"Kendall just walk away! You're so much better than her! So much better." Logan intervened.

"What are you talking about?" Kendall asked Logan. He was confused at why Logan had said that. He stared at Logan, waiting for an answer. He never got one. Logan just decided to run. He was out the door in a flash. Kendall immediately followed him, wanting to get an answer. He thought this might have to do with why he was acting strange lately. When he finally caught up with him a few houses over, he saw that Logan was crying, leaning against the street light.

"Logan. What's gotten into you?" Kendall asked.

"You don't want to be around me." Logan murmured while sobbing.

"You can't say things like that and run off." Kendall stated immediately after Logan spoke.

"Kendall, just leave it." Logan was not in the mood to talk about it. The issue here was something very personal. He didn't want to ruin their friendship over his issues.

"Why did you say Jo wasn't good enough for me?" Kendall had asked. He felt like Logan was keeping something from him.

"Please don't make me say." Logan couldn't even look at Kendall. He had turned away from him hoping Kendall couldn't see how sad and depressed he was at the moment.

"Look at me…" Logan continued to face away from Kendall. "Look at me…" Logan was still ignoring Kendall. "LOOK AT ME!" Kendall held on to Logan and turned him around to face him. "What do you know? Did she cheat on me?" Kendall wanted to know if it was more than just the kiss.

"No!" Logan answered.

"Who was it then. It was Dak wasn't it? She cheated on me with Dak." Kendall was trying to figure out what Logan was keeping from him. He was running out of options/ideas.

"No! I don't know." Logan was telling the truth. He hoped Kendall would just drop the subject.

"Then why are you like this? Tell me what's going on."

"I can't."

"Tell me Logan." Kendall was being very serious right now. He wanted Logan to tell him what's going on. Logan was trying to keep his emotions in check. He wiped the tears out of his eyes. He couldn't avoid it any longer. He was gonna have to tell Kendall what's been on his mind.

"You really want to know?"

"Yes"

"You really want to know why I think you should split up with Jo?" Logan asked. He wanted to make sure Kendall wanted to know for certain.

"Yes. Yes I do."

"It's because I'm jealous. All right. Whenever I watch you with her, it kills me, because I want to be the one that you're laughing with, and you're going home with." At this point Kendall's face was stoic. Logan was trying to fight more tears. He paused for a few seconds before continuing. "When I'm not with you, I think about you all the time. And then when I am with you, I feel like my heart's gonna burst." He paused again to catch his breath. Then he finally spoke the words that were on his mind for the past couple of weeks. "I'm in love with you. Kendall, I'm in love with you!"

Logan couldn't handle being near Kendall anymore. He didn't even want to hear what Kendall had to say. He ran off down the road; his house was his destination. When he finally got home, he went up to his room and broke down crying. He felt like his world was falling apart at the seams. He didn't know what to do anymore. He just told his best friend that he loved him. He didn't know how he was gonna face him on Monday. He just hoped he didn't just ruin his friendship with Kendall. Kendall was his only friend and without him, Logan didn't know how he would be able to live.

* * *

**A/N : So I hoped you enjoyed the first chapter. I originally wanted a kiss instead of a confession, but I felt that a kiss would turn off Kendall completely. I wanted Kendall's first kiss with Logan to be consensual, not forced on him. Like I also said it's inspired by the "McDean" storyline. It's gonna be similar but not the same. There will be lots of drama in this fic, so don't assume you know what's gonna happen. "McDean was actually the first ship I ever shipped. It was in 2008 when I discovered "McDean", then BTR happened in 2009 so I forgot about it. That's why I was inspired to write this type of storyline for a BTR fic. Hope you have a wonderful day. **

**-simpLEEreading**


	2. Chapter 2 : The New Guy in Town

**Discovering My Identity**

**Chapter 2 : The New Guy in Town**

_**A/N : Here's another update to this fic. I hope you guys are enjoying it. It's not getting the same love as my other stories. Hopefully this update can change your minds about this fic. After the first part of this chapter, it doesn't follow Hollyoaks plot anymore. I wanted to use some of that dialogue in order to jump start the story. The setup of the story is similar to the "McDean" storyline, but there are some major differences. From this chapter on, anything can happen. If you watched the "McDean" storyline, don't expect to know what's gonna happen. **_

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_**Disclaimer : I do not own Big Time Rush or any other recognizable copyrighted things. If I did, I would of met time already IRL. I also don't own some of the dialogue. Some of the dialogue will closely resemble the dialogue on some of the episodes of Hollyoaks.**_

* * *

The whole weekend went by like a blur to Logan. He knew it might be bad since he told Kendall how he felt. He had tried calling the blond, but Kendall wasn't answering any of his calls. It was irritating him to no end. He wanted things to get better, but it's hard when he's being ignored.

It didn't get any better at school on Monday. Kendall was still avoiding Logan. He would try to talk to Kendall, but he would just be ignored. Logan couldn't even talk to him during lunch, since Kendall didn't show up at all. Logan ate his lunch alone for the first time in years. It wasn't until after school that Logan saw Kendall again. Logan grabbed him and went into one of the empty classrooms. He closed the door so Kendall couldn't leave. He was tired of Kendall avoiding him, and he wanted to talk.

"I don't want to talk about it." Kendall stated. He didn't want to have this conversation at the moment. He didn't want to talk to Logan.

"Kendall it will only take a second." Logan said. Kendall immediately began to interrupt Logan.

"You don't get it. I am not interested. You are wasting your time." Kendall just wanted this conversation to end. He wasted no time in telling Logan how he felt about the confession.

"I understand that you're angry." Logan knew that it wasn't fair to Kendall. He burdened him with a huge load or information. He didn't know how he would react if the roles were reversed. "but don't you think I'm angry with myself for what I said." Logan wanted Kendall to understand that he regretted dumping his emotions on him.

"I don't care how you feel. You don't go around saying things like that." Kendall uttered. This was the last thing he needed on his mind. He would rather forget about it.

"Yeah. I know what I said was wrong, but we're still friends... right?"

"…" Kendall didn't know how to answer that question. He still wanted to be friends, but with all that has transpired, it was hard to picture them being friends again.

"If that's your decision… I accept it, because I know I've ruined us as friends." Logan taking Kendall's silence as a no. He decided if Kendall didn't want to be friends, that he had to remove himself from the situation. He couldn't be around Kendall if he was causing the blond to be uncomfortable. "Kendall do you have any idea how bad I feel about myself right now? Huh. I hate myself for what I've done. I'm disgusted with myself. But that's it. From now on I'll stay out of your life."

"What?" Kendall questioned, not knowing where this conversation was heading.

"It means I'll stay away from you. I'll stay away from everyone. Alright, I'm leaving." Logan headed towards the door. He couldn't stand this conversation anymore. He had to get out of here. Once Logan went to open the door, Kendall immediately closed it shut. Kendall kept his hand pushed against the door, in order to keep Logan from pulling it open.

"So what you're just going to take the coward's way out!" Kendall was mad that Logan was just leaving without hearing his answer.

"Get your hand off the door Kendall." Logan growled at Kendall.

"What am I gonna tell people when they ask why we're not talking?" Kendall honestly didn't know what he would say if people asked him that. He honestly didn't want to ever have to answer that question.

"They won't even care! I won't be here!" Logan was being slightly dramatic here. He just wanted to go.

"I don't want you to go Logan. I still want you as a friend." Kendall blurted. In all honesty it was true. His life would be unbearable without the chocolate-eyed brunet. He couldn't imagine his life without his best friend.

"Are you serious?" Logan questioned. He had hoped Kendall would say that, but didn't think it was likely.

"Yeah. You're the best 'best friend' I've ever had. That's the way I want it to stay."

* * *

After that discussion the week was pretty uneventful. The only other major thing that had happened, was that Kendall and Jo got back together. Jo had apologized about what happened. She had kissed Jett only because she felt deserted. She blamed it on Kendall hanging out with Logan at the party. Kendall just agreed with her. He didn't want to anger her, even though her reason was stupid.

When the weekend came around again Logan was a wreck. He was glad that Kendall got back with Jo, but he didn't realize how hard it would be to see them together. It was bad enough when Kendall didn't know his feelings. He didn't know it would feel worse now, since his feeling were known. He was walking around the mall to do some thinking. He was so deep in thought that he accidentally bumped into someone and fell on his butt. When he looked up he saw the most beautiful guy he's ever seen. The tall brunet with pretty hazel eyes reached out his hand in order to help Logan up. He grabbed it and was pulled up to his feet.

"Sorry about that. I wasn't looking where I was going." Logan stated. His eyes scanning the extremely attractive brunet in front of him.

"It's okay. I wasn't either. I'm James Diamond by the way." James said extending his hand for a handshake.

"Logan Mitchell." They shook hands and James motioned to the bench. They sat down to continue their conversation.

"So where do you go to school?" Logan asked wondering why he's never seen James before.

"I'm going to go to Kenwood High starting on Monday. I just moved here recently."

"That's cool. I go there and it's my senior year." Logan said excitedly. He could sense the start of a new friendship. Maybe he didn't need Kendall after all.

"Me too. I'm glad I ran into you. Do you wanna hang out? I might need a tour of the town."

"Yeah. I can definitely give you a tour and hang out. It will keep me distracted for now." Logan was excited to do something social with someone other than Kendall.

"Not that I'm trying to be rude, but is something bothering you?" James asked. He could sense that Logan had something on his mind.

"I'm not sure if you could understand, and I don't want you to think I'm a freak. My best friend freaked out when I told him I had feelings for him. It's just been tough trying to forget about it. I'm going through all these emotions, and he's fine hanging out with his girlfriend. A girlfriend who cheated on him and blamed me for her cheating ways. She's such a bitch. Sorry for unloading this on you." Logan was worried that all his baggage would turn James off.

"It's okay. I understand how you're feeling. I kind of moved here to get away from some drama that's similar to your situation. Although my best friend chose to bully me after I told him I was gay. It's okay to be gay Logan. I'm not judging you. If I did, I'd be judging myself. I think we can be good friends. We need each other to separate ourselves from the situation." James was glad he ran into Logan. He could tell the chocolate eyed brunet was a good guy. He was also cute. However that's not important right now. Logan needed a friend and James has decided to be that for him… for now.

"Thanks James. I'm really glad I bumped into you. Now that all the emotional stuff has been talked about, let's get on with that tour." Logan said excitedly.

"Yeah, Let's do it." James stated. They then left the mall and went to paint the town red. They were having so much fun with each other. They ventured across the town, and visited all the touristy sites. They also went to the park to walk and enjoy the scenery. They were having so much fun together. They was also some light flirting between the two. Logan honestly had the best time ever. His mind completely off what happened. Logan could see himself with James instead.

* * *

It was getting late and they decided to grab a bite to eat at the local diner. When they arrived there, they sat down at a booth. They gave their order to the waitress and while waiting for their food they started to converse.

"Today was amazing. I had so much fun Logie." James said. Logan blushed slightly. The only people who called Logan that was his mother and Kendall. "Sorry. Is it okay if I call you Logie. I don't want to overstep my boundaries." James was worried he was being too forward. He couldn't help but adore the nerdy brunet in front of him.

"It's fine. It's just he would call me Logie, but I'm totally okay with you calling me that." Logan thought James was really nice. He also thought that the hazel eyed brunet was sexy and beautiful. Maybe James is someone that can take his mind off of Kendall. James being gay is slightly reassuring, but being friends is good enough for him. However if there was any sign of James having feelings for him, he would jump at the opportunity.

The food had arrived and they started to eat. There was tension between the two. It wasn't the bad type. It was more of a sexual tension between the two brunets. James was slightly worried about what he was gonna tell Logan. It may be too soon, but he really felt a connection with Logan. He needed Logan to know what was on his mind.

"I won't lie to you Logan. I really enjoyed our time together. I know you just got your heart broken, but I would love to call you my boyfriend. I realize that you need time, but just know that I can wait for…" James was cut off immediately by Logan lips. When James realized what was happening he started to kiss back. After a minute or two they separated and stared at each other. Logan was the first to say something.

"I feel the same James. I want to try something with you. I know it might be too soon, but I can't deny the chemistry I feel between us." Logan stated. He was thrilled that James felt that way about him. There is a small part of him that feels this might be just him trying to get over Kendall, but there is a physical attraction to James that he can't deny.

"Well Logie… I guess that makes us boyfriends." James stated happily.

"I guess it does. I sense the start of a beautiful relationship." Logan said with a smile upon his face, while squeezing James' hands. Logan then moved over to the other side of the booth to sit next to James. James kissed Logan's cheek. After that sweet moment together, they continued having a good time. They shared laughs and even their food. They looked like the couple that people envy.

What they didn't know was that a certain green eyed blond had the perfect view of them from his car. He saw everything from the kiss, the holding hands, the loving looks… it made him mad. If people could see the look on his face, some would say that there was anger plastered across his face, and some would say it's jealousy.

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_**A/N : I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. James is introduced as the new kid who takes an interest in Logan. Logan hastily accepts the idea of being boyfriends, but is it just to forget Kendall? You'll have to wait to find out. Remember that this story is about sexual discovery. I can honestly tell you that Kendall believes he's just angry and doesn't perceive what he's feeling as jealousy. I hope you're excited to see what happens next. Have a wonderful day.**_

_**-simpLEEreading**_


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